Missing You Already

I shouldn't be blogging right now, because I'm supposed to be getting ready and packing to head out of town in a few hours. The reality of that journey has just hit. I'm packing for my Grandma's Funeral. I don't seem to have many tears left at this point, but perhaps they're being stored up for tonight and tomorrow.

I've said oh so many times how thankful Tom and I are to have so many grandparents still with us. I often think about this around Christmas when we're making plans to see as many of them as possible. It always presents itself as a chore, and "one more stop", but in the end, I know these visits are precious. I had no idea Christmas 2010 would be as precious as it turned out to be.

Grandma was in some pain at Christmas. I remember my eyes tearing up a bit during mass when I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right and we may not all be here next year. Odd, how accurate intuition can be.

On January 14, we found out Grandma had cancer. We didn't know what we were facing yet, but it was found in part of her bone.

The first week of February she was back in the hospital. We found out it was pancreatic cancer. There was quite a roller coaster of emotions, but in the end, it was decided the best thing to do was to send her home with hospice care. At that time, we believed we had between 3-6 months to make the rest of Grandma's life as special as possible.

On February 10th, we got the call that anyone who wanted to come, should come now. I've never packed so fast in my life. I was afraid and unsure of what to expect when I got there. I am so thankful that although Grandma said some really goofy things (lots of morphine apparently will do that to you!), she knew me. I told her stories about the kids' snow day and she smiled big, with a special Grandma sparkle in her eye. She didn't sleep much that day, and when I saw all my family who came to see her, had to be thankful again. We have such a big family. And an amazing family. A family who truly loves spending time with each other, every chance we get. Who made us that way? Well, God of course, but Grandma did her fair share too. When I think about our family, this quote/song comes to mind: "All because two people fell in love."

We spent the weekend with Grandma and by the time I left Sunday, I had told her goodbye. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I didn't actually say the word goodbye, but I told her I loved her so very much, kissed her forehead and told her I had to go home to the kids. Tears were obviously flowing as I walked outside, knowing I wouldn't see my very beloved Grandma again.

Brock was riding with me, so possibly the second hardest thing I've done lately was hold it together and then explain to him that when people's bodies get old they aren't strong enough anymore and they go to heaven where they are all better, happy, meet God, play with the Angels, and watch over us.

I spent Monday and Tuesday with a huge cloud over my head. Wondering when I was going to get that call. Reading into every hour that went between mine and my mom's text messages. I found myself praying that her suffering would end and she could rejoice in Heaven.

On Tuesday afternoon, Grandma passed away. My heart ached and tears flowed. However, I think I felt more peace that night and all day Wednesday than I had in the past week. I know she's in a better place. In fact, I know she's walking hand in hand with Grandpa and they both have huge smiles on their faces! My Grandpa died in 1970. My mom was very young and I obviously was far from even being a twinkle in someone's eye. He also died in February. I smile when I think that on February 15th, 2011 they had a very LONG, OVER-DUE, somewhat late Valentine's date!

Grandma, I miss you already. I find myself not believing you're really gone. I know the next few days will be very hard and I will be very sad, but for myself...not you. I'm sad I won't have you to hold here on Earth. I'm happy you are rejoicing in Heaven with your Lord, your Husband, and all who have gone before you. Please look after us, "and between now and then, until I see you again, I'll be loving you. Love, me." (--Collin Raye)